2024-4-7  I don't want to put the bible down - I want to live it

This was the desire of my heart as I searched out the Father after HE rescued me. I was naive at the beginning not understanding that just being nice and not living in sin was what the Father's expectation for us, for me, was. I had no idea that my desire to move forward with Him would cost me everything then. I made my prayers, and the Father answered them with spiritual understanding, that, once given to me, I had to make a choice to move forward with Him in those things, or, to return to being nice, return to my life, return. I just couldn't do it. I would keep praying, keep seeking, and I remember how many times I didn't want to close the book, and just go back to "normal". 

So, I followed Him out, because HE gave me what my heart desired. But then I realized out here in the wilderness, just how few will be that way in their spirit with Him, how many people just give Him lip service, praise Him with words, and who will not live in faith, who do not seek, who will not come out. 

I'm in the most wonderful place always in my spirit with Him, and I have remained steadfast in this place with Him for 15 years! When I look back in on the world, and how they go about living their lives from day to day without any cares in the world, I am almost tempted to be envious of blissful ignorance. I want to put off the day, put far away the time of judgment...I had the faith to build an ark, and I still don't want the rain to come; I would like to go do anything fun that takes my mind off of it. But, at the end of the day, I choose to stay, to not leave Him, to keep working in faith, to crucify my spirit and thoughts and stay true. 

I desire the promise of the Father to bring me this wife that HE has spoken to me about. I have worked so hard and for so long! I am exhausted, but I continue to build. I realized today, that if I can't rejoice, if I can't make myself rejoice, then it is as if I am not having faith, as if I am not believing in His promise, as if I am not believing, as if I don't trust Him, as if I am saying that it will not be, as if I'm doubting Him. I should be joyful in the abundance of materials that HE just provided, in the new deck, the new roof, in the provisions for the woman whom the Lord is preparing for me. But, its hard; its hard to believe, its hard to be steady every day. Its hard when your tired, when you have been building and working so hard for so long, for so many years.........that you just want to go make it happen, like abraham and hagar. I can't let that happen, I can't settle, I can't give in. I am staying strong waiting for you my love, wherever you are. I hope you know how much I have done for you, how many I have passed by for you...I hope you are grateful, I hope you are thankful, I hope when you see all this you will see it with eyes of faith as the ark that it is, that you will see this land as the promised land from the Father, that you will have the faith to stand by me, to be my helpmate. 

Every day I live in faith, and I can't go back, even if know one can understand me. Praise You, thank You Father! it has all been worth it! everything I have given up for You! to gain You! to be in this place! I wouldn't trade it; there is nothing else. Please bring Your promise upon me like You said, "see how I am working in faith? because I believe You!". I am not making merry and putting off the day; I am preparing, and I am keeping Your covenant, and I speaking that which the others will not. Please remember me; I know I don't deserve it, but I will give You back our life together, and our son that You promised us; I will give them back to You as an offering, our whole family, to serve You forever. There is no settling, there is no compromise; all or nothing Father, and you know my heart; please help me continue, please help me do it with an excellent spirit, please help me be an example to them too. Praise You Father, thank You Father. Bring to me my wife, seal us in the ark, and be for us in the days quickly coming.",

[email protected]