After fifty years of medical practice, it has become clear to me that there is an intricate organization and incredible perfection in the universe that is mind-
boggling, especially when it comes to illness. The more I have contemplated the workings of the universe in health and disease, the more I’ve become impressed with how every aspect of a person’s “dance with illness” unfolds in a way that reveals meaning and value. I have observed so many instances where my patient’s illness has had an impact beyond its associated physical disabilities and psychological challenges that I’ve come to expect there is always a deeper meaning that is an integral part of illness. Now I look for this hidden significance whenever I’m working with my patients, or for that matter, in everything that happens in my world. 

These are easy words to say when giving advice to someone else, but when it hits home and disease or disability affects us personally, it is completely different story. I want to share an experience I had about five years ago when I had an unexpected heart attack, and it was time for me to walk my talk.

I had just finished playing pickle ball and was home eating some really good left-over garlic bread for lunch. It was so good that I had two slices. Within about 15 minutes I developed this horrible pain in my upper abdomen and lower chest. I was sure it was indigestion. I called for my wife, Vicki, to bring me a glass of water. Being an RN, she took one look at me and said, “this is not indigestion, you look like you’re having a heart attack!” She called 911 and I was on my way to the hospital. I read my EKG in the ambulance and sure enough I realized was having a heart attack. I called my cardiologist friend, and he instructed me to go directly to the cardiac cath lab for a coronary arteriogram rather than to the emergency room. 

There was good news and bad news. The good news was that he believed that the blockage I had could be fixed. The bad news is that it would be too dangerous to simply put in a few stents. I would need open heart surgery to have a triple bypass. Yikes!

Vicki and I agreed that I would have open heart surgery in the morning. I wasn’t really prepared to explore the spiritual roots of why I was having a heart attack! My first concern was that I might not survive this surgery, or if I did, I could wake up with a stroke or some other serious disability. I didn’t have much time to ponder the situation. However, later that night, I had a little chat with God. 

“I get it,” I said. “I realize that I’m not in charge of what happens to me. You have the ultimate say about everyone’s fate.” Once I realized this, I still had concern about what might happen to me, but I knew there was nothing I could do to change how things would unfold. At that moment, I stopped worrying about the future holds, and made the decision to stay in the moment. I had enjoyed a good life and felt taken care of for 78 years very well. I pledged to myself that I’d be curious about the future but stay in the moment and accept whatever God decided was best for all. I slept soundly that night without a sleeping pill, and I was ready for a big surgery in the morning.

The next day after surgery I woke up to a room full of my family and close friends. At that moment I felt like I had been touched by an angel and that somehow, I was changed. I became filled with love, and I began telling everyone that I loved them. No one was more surprised than I was, but many of them were surprised too! I felt like my heart had been opened and had become filled with love. That feeling hasn’t changed. 

My heart attack was one of the best things that has happened in my life. In just a few hours I had become a better husband, father, friend, and doctor. My trust and faith in God deepened and I became unafraid of dying. Well, maybe just a little, but nothing like before.

Len Saputo, MD