[Verse 1] Remember when you were 14, your dad taught you to shave That wasn't a very fatherly way for him to behave You had to watch your first beard, floating down the drain A beard abandoned, a son betrayed Your dad taught you how And look at you now [Chorus] 'Cause if your dad doesn't have a beard You've got two mums, two beardless mums If your dad doesn't have a beard You've got two mums, two beardless mums [Verse 2] Remember how he watched, your face lathered with cream Look mirror fogging over as the bathroom filled with steam He put the razor in your hand and said now let's begin Shave with short quick strokes my son and head towards the chin (ooh) Your dad taught you how And look at you now [Chorus] 'Cause if your dad doesn't have a beard You've got two mums, two beardless mums If your dad doesn't have a beard You've got two mums, two beardless mums [Bridge] (Oh you got two beardless mums, yeah) 'Cause you know I can't stand to see a child Put through that much pain when he knows that he'll never see his first beard again And you know there is no greater crime against the human race Than when a father takes a razor to his own son's face (oh) Your dad taught you how You're just like him now [Chorus] 'Cause if your dad doesn't have a beard You've got two mums, two beardless mums Oh if your dad doesn't have a beard You've got two stupid looking beardless fucking mums [Outro] 'Cause if your dad doesn't have a beard You've got two mums, two beardless mums If your dad doesn't have a beard You've got two mums, two beardless mums Two beardless mums (yeah yeah) Two beardless mums (alright) Two beardless mums Two beardless mums Two beardless mums