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Well the rabbi knocked up Mrs. Oglesby 

Underneath a silver maple tree

Behind the synagogue 

On a night he came to rue 

Now I don't blame Mama for lovin' a Yid 

But the lowest thing that she ever did 

Was, when I was born, 

She went and named me "Jew"

Now Mister O was always boozy & broke 

And he owed a lotta money to a lotta folk 

So he blackmailed Dad 

Not to tell'em all he knew 

Then Dad runnofft to Tel Aviv 

And left Mama & me alone to grieve 

When Mister O died 

One Christmas, of the flu 

So I never did get circumcised 

Then Mama got religion & got baptised 

And took me to church 

Where I got baptised too 

They christened me "Theophilus," but 

Couldn't go to court 'cause it cost too much 

So on the roll at school, 

The teacher called out "Jew"⁸

So I dropped outta school in my early teens 

But I couldn't hide those Ashkenazi genes 

That crooked nose & the

Beady little eyes 

I had a gentle heart & I was strappin' big 

So I went into farmin' & raised a pig 

That won a blue ribbon, & a 

Three-hundred dollar prize 

I bought me a ticket on the crypto train, & 

Was able to sell it for one Hell of a gain 

And disembark before the train 

Ran outta steam 

I took good care of Mama, sold the swine, & 

Bought a first class ticket on a big airline 

To travel the world and pursue 

All of my dreams 

In Cairo, I met a Palestinian belle, 

She laughed at my jokes, we got along well 

And her daddy gave me her hand 

That next July 

Now as we were takin' the communion wine 

In an ancient church in Palestine, 

I heard a godawful noise...& then 

I started to cry 

My love was slain right before my eyes 

As white phosphorus rained down from the skies 

Then everything went black and I 

Thought I was dead 

When I woke up, I was wearin' a gown, 

Missin' a finger, & about a pound 

Of flesh, and blood, & 

Lying in a hospital bed 

I was sound of body but troubled in mind, & 

After weeks of rehab, I knew it was time 

To avenge the one whose love 

Had been so true 

So I made myself a killin' machine, & 

I got tough, & hard, & lean... 

Those kikes were gonna reckon 

With a goy named Jew 

It was early April on K Street in D.C., & 

The flowers were bloomin' on the cherry trees 

When I walked into a conference room 

That was fully packed 

The Interfaith Coalition for Reproductive Choice 

Was marryin' two lesbians named Rita & Joyce 

When I raised my Kaloshnikov 

To my shoulder & attacked

They were droppin' like flies as I kept goin' 

When I saw a nametag that read "Rabbi Cohen" 

And my own two eyes & nose 

Lookin' me right back 

A cowerin' little imp right outta Hell 

With a Magen David on his lapel 

As I looked him up and down & 

Said, "Listen, Jack:

"My name's Theophilus Oglesby, & 

I can forgive what you did to me 

My wife & unborn child 

That you never knew 

"But you're still gonna have to pay a price 

So let me give you a piece of advice: 

Start talkin' to Jesus, 'cause you know 

He died for you."

And as I detonated my final bomb 

I looked at Dad & I thought of Mom, 

And the pillars came crashing down 

On a goy named Jew.